Why Won’t Capitalism Produce a Decent Kettle?

It was the late 1970s. As children of a mix of working and middle class, multicoloured parents at a secondary comprehensive school run by left-wing radicals in the heart of St. John’s Wood, we were the definition of melting pot. On one matter we were agreed — having a Bosch appliance in your kitchen meant you’d made it.

I persuaded my wife recently that none of our kettles had served us well enough, and that a Bosch was the answer. “Don’t look at those negative Amazon reviews, they’re from losers” I insisted.

Our journey began when our eleven year old small electric kettle finally had to be put down due to mechanical wear. It still worked, and perhaps I did feel a little like Fitzgerald in The Revenant, but I had my eyes on the prize: A kettle that could handle multiple temperatures; well that’s where it started, it always starts with good intentions before morphing without your conscious realisation into a twisty road signposted “hell”.

Amazon offered very little help. Did we really need WiFi on a kettle? Why was the user interface for temperature control on the kettles that had it so unbearably arcane? What’s the point in a kettle that forces you to resort to an instruction manual every time you use it? What about filter kettles? Well, these were all redundant for us since we got our distiller1.

In the end it was the lure of a bargain that did for me. They know how to get suckers like me — list that thing you wrote off for its totally ridiculous price at half its normal price, which still makes it bad value and see how many suckers will bite. A bit like all those games you buy when the Steam Sale is on, but never play, because if you’d really wanted to play them, you’d probably have bought them at the original price. So I hit “buy” on the Breville.

The Breville wasn’t bad. It was just a bit too “divide the family so you can target each member as an individual for maximum commercial gain” for our liking. You see, it only boiled one cup at a time. It could be a big cup, but it could only be a single cup as it only had a single spout. If you had guests over, or more than one of you wanted a brew at the same time, well, tough, you had to take it in turns. It had no temperature control and it had no other function. It just boiled one cup at a time. And that, in fact, is what makes it pretty great. By separating water storage from water heating functions, it’s efficient. Not just energy efficient, but when we temporarily replaced it with the Bosch, we had to fill up the bloody Bosch every single time we boiled the kettle

Then we decided to try a cheap alternative. Except that “cheap” now feels like cardboard. I don’t know how capitalism manages to keep prices going up and quality keep going down (wasn’t global capitalism supposed to fix this), but the Von Shef feels like it was put together with chewing gum and cardboard. And recycled paper socks.

I don’t know why they call it a Von Shef. Did they mean “Chef”? It doesn’t feel very cheffy. It doesn’t feel very Sheffield either, if by “Shef” they were somehow alluding to Sheffield steel. Von Shite might be more accurate. What’s wrong with this pretender then, given that the price wasn’t too bad at about £27 incl. delivery
– It beeps all the time. Nobody understands why, but we’re all tired of our gadgets beeping at us for no obvious reason all the time
– The temperature control is on the handle. It’s impossible to work out
– It took me three attempts to work out how to actually start boiling the kettle. You know, kettle on/off, which is kind of important, is next to impossible to figure out. WTF?
– It has weird lights that light up for no obvious reason. They look cool, but I can’t figure out how to use the kettle half the time, which is the bit I wish they’d focussed on.
– It feels cheap AF. Our last kettle was half the price of this one, and felt more solid. I feel the guilt of Fitzgerald when he realises he’s been found out. I feel the urge to run, because now there is no turning back.

But what about the Bosch before the Von Shef? What was wrong with the Bosch?
– It felt cheap and tacky. If you’re going to spend £70 on a kettle, it should feel solid. By making it plasticky and cheap looking, you, Bosch, I’m talking to you, all of you, have crushed my childhood dreams
– The fill indicator is almost impossible to read and stupidly placed
– It has temperature control, but the UI took me five botched attempts to work out. It doesn’t make sense. No matter how many times I use it, I’ll never understand it.

The Von Shef is going back, it’s too cheap, it’s UI too perplexing.

The Bosch is no longer a Bosch. At a glance, it still looks cool, but the brand has lost its soul, its heft, its appeal and turned me into a cynic about everything else I aspired to in that St. John’s Wood melting pot. Even McDonalds didn’t misplace Pret A Manger’s soul when they bought a 25% stake. McDonalds did better than you Bosch. How low have you sunk?

Our search for a kettle goes on. We had hoped that Global Capitalism would be able to deliver on this most basic appliance, but we’ve found it strangely lacking.

We want:
– Quality
– Solidity
– Temperature Control
– Energy Efficiency
– Totally transparent UI
– Decent looks

If you’ve seen something like this, let me know. Meanwhile, I’m off to burn my childhood vision boards.

  1. Also from Amazon, our distiller was the single best thing we ever did for the quality of our tea and coffee. 

You Might Not Like This

If it wasn’t for Jared, I’d never have listened to Sneaker Pimps or Ingrid Schroeder. I’d be stuck in a much smaller musical bubble and my life would have been the poorer. He knew what I liked, but suggested music that pushed me out of my comfort zone. Once I was out, there was a whole new world of music he could recommend and my life was richer for it.

The most valuable algorithm to Netflix, Amazon and just about every retailer on the planet is the recommendation engine. What they’re after is your money, but also, your attention.

Amazon’s recommendation engine is staggeringly profitable. Netflix offered a huge prize recently to anyone who could improve their recommendation engine’s performance by just 10%. Despite thousands of entries, only one entry managed to hit the required target.

The subscription model is becoming pervasive, and to keep you as a subscriber, you, the customer, must be fed with satisfying content.

Social media is not exempt. Your attention is the valuable resource and it is commonly sold to advertisers. The downside is that you get trapped in social bubbles and your taste doesn’t evolve except as part of the loosely affiliated tribe you become part of.

The flood of user-generated content on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook and YouTube, amongst others is now so unmanageable that Facebook doesn’t even show you every post from your friends. Your feed is filtered, the objective of which is to keep you Facebook for longer, so that you see more ads.

I propose that somebody creates a “You might not like” algorithm that occasionally interrupts your cosy bubble with something provocative, but of high quality. Initially, the recommendations would be curated, but would require a powerful sales pitch as to why you should give your attention to the suggested item. An algorithm like this, with the initial support of human curators might broaden your tastes, help you to see with greater perspective and enrich your life. Growth comes when you push against your comfort zone. It’s high time we had algorithms that did more than just trap you in ever decreasing circles of self-gratification. I think Jared would be happy.

I Die, You Die

Let’s get the obvious out of the way, 2016 is just a number, an arbitrary one. We aren’t even certain that it measures the duration it’s supposed to. Laps around the sun are also an arbitrary time unit. That said, most of the world uses the Gregorian calendar, and it seems like an extraordinary number of stars have passed away this year. It’s not just how many stars we’ve lost, but the quality of them.

This post is about two things. First, I’m going to go through a partial list of stars who have died this year, and it’s important to stress, sadly, thus far who have affected my life in some way, and in doing so, I’m going to write a little bit about how they affected my life in a personal way. I’m going to finish by writing about what if anything, so much death means and whether it’s worth making any kind of judgment about the year.

I’m going to go in chronological order, except for Bowie, who I’ll save for the end.

Alan Rickman

Alan Rickman was a Brit playing a European bad guy in Die Hard. I was not a Bruce Willis fan, but you’re supposed to side with the hero, and I just couldn’t because of Rickman’s brilliant performance.

Glenn Frey

My career at PlayStation was a game of two halves. The first half was misery, the second a jubilant comeback that I keep comparing to Liverpool’s win in the 2005 European Cup Final, the year I joined. During the dark years, when I wanted to leave, but couldn’t, because I wasn’t good enough to do anything else and I wasn’t bad enough to be fired, I played Hotel California a lot.

During the glory years, I played the song often out of whimsy, because I became so invested in the company I worked at.

After I left, I realised that part of me would always be PlayStation and so I still play Hotel California, but the song has changed with me. It contains the most musical call and response guitar solo ever recorded and I doubt it will ever be bettered.

Terry Wogan

I watched Terry Wogan because there was nothing else to watch on British TV in the evenings during my teenage years. What struck me about Wogan is how witty he managed to be without ever being salacious. When I felt rebellious, I thought him too clean, but most of the time, I appreciated his class in not being influenced by any salaciousness in his guests. I learned a lot about character from Wogan and I miss his dulcet tones.

Maurice White

September has been a favourite since it came out. Earth Wind and Fire were the epitome of joy, so when I deliberately transformed from loser to winner in 2011, I used every technique in the book. One of those techniques was a morning soundtrack of joy and positivity. September was part of that short soundtrack and it still takes me back to the occasional moment in my childhood when I’d forget just how shit my life was and be lost in unbridled joy.

George Martin

I knew The Beatles more by their solo efforts after their split, but as I grew up and started listening to the influencers of my generation’s stars, I appreciated that the magic of this band was given its sheen and presence by a master Producer. He took the best band in the history of pop music and made them much better. The Beatles had a sound. George Martin was as much part of the sound as any member of the band. I listened to Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band yesterday. It is probably the greatest album ever made and the sound still stands up today as profoundly, shockingly innovative.

Sylvia Anderson

I grew up watching Thunderbirds, but it was cool to watch Space 1999. The first series was the best. As half of the production company that created these and many other shows, her work is deeply interwoven into my childhood. I look at all the modern science fiction influenced by Space 1999, including the brilliant Moon by Duncan Jones and I feel that part of my childhood lives on.

Ronny Corbett

I loved Corbett and Barker, the Two Ronnies, and for many of us who grew up with three channels of television, it was hard not to. They were by far the funniest people on TV and were responsible for lifting the mood of the nation at a time when it was still possible for comedy to be part of a country’s circadian rhythm. Corbett was cheeky, kind and witty.

Victoria Wood

What I loved about Wood was that she was primarily strong and compassionate at a time when it was difficult for women to succeed in show business with those qualities. She was a real woman, the type of women we knew, but rarely saw on our TV sets. When she took to the airwaves, it genuinely felt like she was one of ours.


Me and Cos would often do all-nighters at BITS, a development studio in North London where we were two of its leading lights. We had our own teams and were in different rooms, but sometimes we’d take a break and he’d blast Prince non-stop. We’d kick a football down the corridors and sometimes we’d smash empty boxes in a frenzy of laughter, aping our martial arts heroes splendidly. Prince was the soundtrack of our all-nighters.

Guy Hamilton

What boy born in the 1960s doesn’t love James Bond? And how many of them can argue that Goldfinger and Diamonds Are Forever aren’t the perfect bookends to Sean Connery’s outing as our favourite secret agent?

These films had a shape, a structure and a presence that together made them majestic archetypes.

My brother would play Diamonds Are Forever constantly on our family’s VHS player, so I can’t think of this, or the other Bond films he played constantly, but particularly the ones directed by Hamilton without thinking about him.

Bert Kwouk

My siblings and I would role play The Return of the Pink Panther because that was a film we must have watched over a hundred times. And the line we still repeat is Clouseau’s “Cato? Cato!” as Kwouk’s character hid in order to test his employer’s reflexes.

Muhammad Ali

I watched Muhammad Ali beat George Foreman against all the odds, live on a black and white telly in a family friend’s house in Wimbledon. The talk for weeks was about the sensational knock out dealt to a man most thought could not be stopped. I remember him being called “The Greatest” without a trace of irony. I remember the tears welling up as I watched his former sparring partner ease off on him as Ali’s career and body faded before our eyes. I remember the pride me and my peers felt that Ali was black and Muslim and yet had utterly transcended that in the conscience of billions, and the example he set by putting all worldly gains aside for his principles, an example whose quality seems to have been forgotten. His kind will never be seen again.

Henry McCullough

I loved Wings and I loved Live and Let Die. Although the orchestra is what most people remember from one of my favourite Bond themes, the song was driven by McCullough’s guitar. It’s not the best Bond theme, but it’s the one I’ve listened to the most often. My brother is part of the reason, but the enduring nature of the harmonic intricacy is another.

Caroline Aherne

Who from my generation can ever forget how Mrs. Merton, Caroline Aherne’s spectacularly successful character, put the mighty Chris Eubank to the sword in the most daring way imaginable. I think the nation drew its breath, because the studio audience certainly did. It was when I first learned that a character can get away with things that the person behind the character simply can’t. Any modern celebrity has since learned this technique. Katy Hopkins, detestable though she comes across, might have been the most successful at reducing the apparent distance between the mask and the person behind it.

Kenny Baker

What I remember most vividly about seeing Star Wars in the cinema when it came out was that this was the first time I saw that a robot could be cute and full of character despite not uttering a single recognisable word.

Gene Wilder

I watched Blazing Saddles with my friend on video soon after it came out. As teenagers, we loved the shock factor. Like The Blues Brothers, knowing this film was part of our teenage lives. We were divided into two camps. Those who’d seen Blazing Saddles and those who had not. My brother still calls me up and cites lines from this film. It took real risks and was shockingly funny despite them. Mel Brooks genius is apparent in this and many other films, but Gene Wilder was magnificent. What my non-white friends and I loved about this film was that it took the Western movie stereotype and revealed the shocking racism that was so conveniently whitewashed. The comedy format is what allowed Brooks, Wilder and the other stars to pull this off without it turning into a political football. It probably couldn’t come out today.

Robert Vaughn

The Man From U.N.C.L.E. was everyman’s spy show from America. We didn’t have much to watch, because three channels, so we mopped up pretty much anything that was vaguely cool. Robert Vaughn was definitely very cool. And he didn’t have the second ‘a’ in his surname, which gave him an edge, but let’s face it, Napoleon Solo was probably the coolest character name of any spy show ever.

John Glenn

The moon landing of 1969 was probably the most hopeful moment in the history of humanity. I loved the American space programme so much because it represented all that was positive about humanity to me as a child. Glenn was the first American to orbit the earth.

As a ten-year-old, I embroidered a space themed patch and had my mum machine it onto my jacket. So when Elon Musk started talking about a mission to Mars with humans, the ten-year-old in me woke up and remembered the beacon raised so high above our skies by the likes of Gagarin, Armstrong, Aldrin and John Glenn.

AA Gill

I rarely smoke these days, maybe once a month on my travels. I have the odd cigar or pipe too. Ex-smokers can be a bit much and I always said I’d never be one of those, and my favourite smoking quote is from AA Gill, one of the finest journalists that Britain has ever had.

WHEN ON occasion I’m asked by groups of aspiring writers what they should do to get on, my advice is always, emphatically, smoke. Smoke often and smoke with gusto. It’s a little known, indeed little researched, fact of literature and journalism that no non smoker is worth reading. And writers who give up become crashing bores.”

He was as brilliant on Brexit.

We all know what ‘getting our country back’ means. It’s snorting a line of the most pernicious and debilitating Little English drug, nostalgia. The warm, crumbly, honey-coloured, collective “yesterday” with its fond belief that everything was better back then, that Britain (England, really) is a worse place now than it was at some foggy point in the past where we achieved peak Blighty.
Britain has lost a peerless voice. The nation, and the language are poorer without him.

George Michael

Tim Ferriss as you know is a hero of mine. I love Ferriss because despite his critics, he’s unashamedly fallible, self-deprecating and very human. He studies successful people and shares their methods and mindsets on his podcast and has collated the best of his life success nuggets in his latest tome, Tools of Titans. One technique that many creatives employ is the use of a repeated song, movie or film on in the background, almost like a mantra. You hear it so much that the surprise in the content disappears and you’re left with focus. I’ve practiced this for decades thinking it insignificant, or even lazy.

I remember vividly listening to George Michael’s Faith on auto repeat while I finished Pandora, the last full, original game I developed back in the late 1980s. Creative projects often have hidden soundtracks and Pandora’s was Faith. This was when George Michael threw off the shackles of the boy band image and became a risqué pop star worthy of wide respect, though his talent was never in any doubt.

Carrie Fisher

Leia was strong, bold, confident and gutsy, but not more so than Fisher herself, whose public discussion of her flaws served as a template for the modern era, where pretty much every star does exactly the same.

David Bowie

There is a distinction between an artist and a performer. Performance is a skill. It can be learned. Art is produced when a person becomes a medium for feeling that originates in subconsciousness. The genius of artists comes from their choice of filter and their mode of expression.

I was always deeply affected by music. In secondary school, my knowledge and taste in contemporary music was acute. I say this not to boast, it was my only superpower. At home I was a bullied and deeply damaged bed wetting type 1 diabetic, constantly in and out of hospital. Death toyed with me like a cat with a captured mouse. At school, when I wasn’t racially bullied, I knew music like nobody else. I listened to John Peel on my cheap transistor radio, from Monday to Thursday night, without fail, from 10pm to midnight. It helped that Peel was a Liverpool fan and this was when Liverpool were the greatest club side in the world.

The first time I appreciated the difference between performance and art was when I watched the 1980 Kenny Everett Video Show New Year’s Eve special, which featured, if I recall correctly, Gary Numan singing the song that gives this piece its title, and David Bowie with his stark, acoustic rendition of Space Oddity.

I was a huge Gary Numan fan. I’d bought everything Numan did until Strange Charm, though he’d lost his mojo by Berserker. I’d been listening to Numan and Bowie for years, but Bowie seemed like a hero from the past, who was clearly influencing stars of my generation, like Numan. Except that when Bowie performed Space Oddity, there was something ethereal, haunted, mesmerising about him. He wasn’t performing Space Oddity; he was channeling it.

Three years earlier, David Bowie was my companion as I walked back ten miles back from my dad’s place after we had a major falling out, pushing the bike he’d bought me all the way because I still hadn’t learned how to ride it properly. The previous December he’d bought me a Walkman copy that was now playing Bowies greatest hits on cassette, endlessly. At 12, nobody else in my short life had developed the canon of music that Bowie had and that had also meant so much to me. As I walked home confused, crying, defiant, anxious, Bowie, who I was still too young to understand fully seemed to know exactly how I was feeling, because his music, his voice, was how I was feeling.

What does this mean?

So much has been written on this year’s unholy count of death that I feel that what each of these human beings represents beyond the grief publicly expressed at their passing has been somewhat glossed over.

We all die. That’s the tragedy and beauty of life. We want to experience so much, but are filled with the dread of knowing that we will barely scratch the surface of all that life has to offer. Even the greats feel this.

The passing of so many people who were woven so indissolubly into the fabric of my life in a single year means that what I feel is a kind of spiritual amputation. A large part of what it means to be me died this year. It’s not just a reminder that life is short, it’s the partial death of my identity, and I suspect that given the incompleteness of my list, this year of dying amounts to the same for many of you.